I've been feeling remarkably adrift for the last couple of weeks. remarkable only in that i didn't expect it, didn't want it, and didn't PLAN for it. queen of planning ... i'm at a bit of a loss. slowly realizing that this trip not happening according to plan. i hate admitting that.
it's mostly about timing, and maybe a little bit about the "what". yes we still need a camper. no we don't know where it's coming from. no, we've not left yet. when are we leaving? when we can. every date i've mentioned has gotten blown out of the water, and i'm rather sick of answering the question, mostly because i can't.
this frustrating process of waiting and packing and waiting and selling and waiting and working and waiting and feeling unfocussed and pickle-headed and like my windshield wipers don't work all that well. smeary. squeaky. yeah, all that. i want the whys and whens and i can't have them. i want big shiny answers, with flashing arrows and neon and sparkly highlights. still small voices aren't plan-friendly.
I've been hoping that this stepping out into the one-day-at-a-time-living-on-faith life could be started with most of the monthly expenses prepaid. phone, storage, all that stuff... so the monthly faith requirements could be less. work harder at our current jobs now while we have them, in case we can't find enough work while we're on the road. but why can't I have that faith requirement now? it's like i'm waiting to up the ante, afraid that it won't work. i can't magically turn the faith on when we pull out of the driveway. it's a mindset. a way of living. an approach to life and God and relationships that says it will all be well, that there will always be enough, and none of it is mine to worry about. ever.
this has been my husband's approach as long as I've known him. one that I've secretly envied, but still tried to balance with enough practicality and worry and fear for the both of us. if he can't worry well enough, I'll have to do it for him, damn it.
doesn't really work all that well. sure, my practical bent is a good thing in many ways, but my fears don't add anything. this trip? it's miles away from practical. it bears no resemblance to a well laid plan that I can take pride in, and my signature martyrish responsibility for. it's about stepping out without any practical safety net, and seeing what happens. which is something Michael has always wanted to do, and I've never had the guts to try. and something that I know he'll regret not trying, and if I'm being honest, so will I. it just terrifies me.
so all this angst and frustration over not having it all together and prepaid risk-minimized? if I can't let it go now, before we leave, it's guaranteed to come right along with us. something I have to figure out how to leave behind for the most part, it's just going to be weight that I can't afford to carry with me. with us. I won't magically change my temperment, I know that, but I do have to figure out how to let it go a bit more. to leave my control in the dust. because the best (and most enjoyable) choices I've ever made have always required me to let go of my desire to control. I've no doubt this time is any different.